Stop relying on a man: Be a vigorous wife!

March 07, 2018

The day we decide to marry the man we love, does not mean it would be the day we decide to forget all of our solo life. I do hope that woman especially married woman not to do this kind of early mistakes to your life, in the beginning of your marriage. Married does not mean that you will rely on a man to decide everything for yourself. Marriage is a phase from being single to being with someone you call a ‘husband’. Just like when you move from being a high school student to a university student, or to a working environment. From childhood to adulthood. You move to another phase in life, a write of passage. Reality check is, not all men understand what woman really need in their life. It is not about giving out red roses, chocolates, romantic loves notes and anniversary dinner, its neither about giving the appreciation messages saying that "you are the only woman i love in my whole life", "no one would even replace you in my life", "I can't live without you", "my life is nothing without you" and the list go on, because the truth is beyond those for a woman.
Talking about our grandmothers time is totally incomparable to our time. We could see that they are not generally free to pick their career which they ended up chose to be a teacher, nurse or any decent work which allows them to have flexible time and ample time to look after the families. However, in our times, women have the freedom to pick a career of our choice and pursue it even if we have to take job that man do such as a pilot! Woman in our times should believe that married  is not merely a give up to what we used to do; be it our social life, me time, time we need to be alone, beliefs, hobbies or even things we consider to develop our career further. Being typical, we don't want to go against our husband and avoid ourself from being selfish. By tossing away our own passions and interests, we sometimes lose our authenticity, we lost ourself in the process. We try hard to be a good wife and mother to our family and pretend to agree to what we actually disagree which there can be no truly happy outcome to that, there is a saying, a happy wife is a happy house. But we often say, it is okay, at least we make people around us happy and people surrounding know that you really have a happy marriage. But, ask yourself again, are you happy doing it? No offense to those who are happy with being unauthentic, but to those who think you just couldn't bear with it. think twice, thrice, you may still have potential to discuss with your spouse that you need some me-time, your social life with your best friends and so on.

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Believe me, actually women need personal space and want day out solo! Don't lie to yourself. You don't realize this while you still having good relationship with your spouse. Alhamdulillah, grateful to God that our marriage is fine, and being stay-at-home-mom also still give you happiness and blessings and you think that what I'm telling you above is totally irrelevant. Don't judge before you read some of the real stories I would like to share.

If you are stay-at-home-mom (SAHM), don't be confident that your spouse will not betray you. I'm sorry, it is sinful to invite suspicious towards our husband, but nothing is wrong to have some precaution actions to our life too. We never know what is fated in the future, despite we are praying to God to protect our marriage, but still there unfaithful cases happened. We as woman can't blame the fact that men can marry 4 wives at a time and if they want, they will. So some precautions would do to protect us too. This is not only applies to stay-at-home-mom, it applies to working mom as well. Don't make your hubs take you for granted. Sometimes, when the wife is earning more than the husband, we tend to spend our salary on paying bills, kids school fees, paying cars and even paying for a house installment. Remember, the responsibilities to provide shelter, foods, clothes lies on the husband. We can help with our salary for the wants but not for the needs. I do hope that wives able to differentiate between wants and needs. 

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If you are a working woman, don't surrender all your income to your family. Please remember that the responsibility to raise family is actually on your husband. Common, mistake that wives do is to pay almost all bills with the intention to help husband's burden. Yes, but you can choose to moderately help. Don't let your husband takes you for granted. Simple things that most of the married couple do is purchasing a house. Some of the wives purchased the house, get the monthly salary deducted to her payslip without realizing that the one who has to provide the accommodation is actually lies on husband's shoulder, unless if your husband pays you back for the installment deducted.

authors' collection :)

I had a friend of mine who just get her divorce 3 months ago. She realized for the past 7 years, she was the one who paid bills, kids school fees, foods, paid for the car and even a house and the husband took hers for granted. The truth was, she never cares paying those because she is earning more than the husband. She even paid for the medical insurance for the kids while the husband did not. After all, the husband did not treat her well, did not allow her to hang out with friends, stop her from spending money at the coffee shop, and even get jealous when she get the chance to develop her career better. The husband felt inferior and would rather see his wife to be stagnant, no need to be women with power. Hell yeah! She managed to get her divorce after 5 years of being abused too, mentally, emotionally and physically. You know what she feels right now? She feels free, she gets her wings back. Maybe that’s why when many women divorce, it feels so freeing. Suddenly, they have time to return to the things they love or find new interests. God bless.

author's collection too :)

So to husband out there, don't take your wife as granted, love them, free them, guide them. Lower down your ego if they are more successful compared to you. They might be successful and powerful at work place, but at home they are still your wife, they know how to respect you as a man, as the head of the house. Give them their free time, allow time for their own solo time, allow them to have their personal time. Allow your wife to spend hours with girlfriends outside without kids along, provide full responsibility to even understand what women do need once in a while such as shopping theraphy, go to spa, having a very private personal time such as pay bills for their nail salon, spa, massage, facial, hair treatment and so on. Women who are reading this, do you agree that you guys need those that I mentioned? You are being normal if you say Yes. Thanks!

Please remember ladies, you have to love yourself first and everything else falls in line. For me, no harm for being selfish because eventually, we are what we do. All the efforts we make in life will shape us in future. I'm not writing this for you to go against your man/husband. Its not about that at all. From few conversations I had with my friends (whose some of them have freedom kind of issues with their husband), I can conclude that women do need their free life too. It doesn’t mean when you are married, you can only leave your "cage" when you are allowed to do so, and off course not even after you get your divorce. You need to get this while you are living happily with your man. My man used to be a controlled man as well during our early marriage, but to convince man that we need to have life to stay active, happy, free, and less depression is not that hard though. Man that loves us should have trust us, no suspicious and allow us to do things we like. I don't have freedom freak issue with my man. I don't care what people say about me, mocking me for  I'm having life which I'm not supposed to do as married woman. I used to go out with friends (officemate) or sometimes, I spend time to hang out with my former uni mates. For me, as long as my husband knows whom I meeting with, he has no control issue over me. You have to belief that there is no woman wants to be in a relationship where she feels she doesn't have the independence she knows she deserves. 

convince man you love

I'm sorry if my write up hurts anyone, I just want women to understand that we need precaution actions to secure ourself. If anything happen especially at the state where your man said, he has no longer loves you (for whatever reasons), you do have some guarantee that you will live even better without them. 

Happy International Women Day! 
Get your man to treat you like a queen, then only they deserve a treatment like a King!

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Wahida Shukeri

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